In 2018, just around my birthday, I experienced a mental breakdown, and for the past five years, I've been oscillating between moments of mania and deep depression. My weight fluctuates, and my thoughts and actions have been all over the place. I've had moments of brilliance mixed with harmful behaviors. Then, last November, after sinking into my deepest depression, I returned to therapy and ended up needing a psychiatric evaluation. My therapist believed I had some undiagnosed disorders and insisted on moving forward only after I underwent the evaluation.
I met with the doctor, and after a thorough evaluation, she put a name to what I had been experiencing. She diagnosed me with not just one, but three, mental health disorders. The diagnosis left me with a strange mix of dread and relief. Finally, I knew what was wrong but I also felt broken. At that point, I had lost all confidence in my ability to function normally. I was spiraling into an empty pit of regret and shame. Sleep eluded me, I was hearing voices, my appetite vanished, and I had isolated myself from family and friends. I had withdrawn from society and social media, deactivating my Facebook and Twitter accounts, keeping only my Instagram. I went silent. I went missing.
So, what have I been up to since then?
I've spent the last ten months in therapy and on medication which helps to regulate my mood and sleep. Coming to terms with my diagnosis meant I had to have tough, honest conversations with my family and close friends. I asked for their support and love as I navigated this new normal. There is no cure for my mental health illness, just management. I've had to distance myself from certain things and spaces that have hindered my wellness. I've had to learn to slow down, practice deep breathing, and commit to daily meditation. I also attend weekly peer support group meetings. I am trying my best to be more consistent and disciplined with exercising, which is key in helping me manage my disorder. I've centered my own needs and learned to offer myself grace. You see, I grapple a lot with feelings of shame and regret as I work through resolving the consequences of poor decisions I made in the past when I wasn't in my right mind.
But in the midst of it all, I rediscovered my love for writing. I'm immensely proud that I've rekindled my passion for words. Over the past few months, I've documented countless thoughts and experiences. Currently, I'm editing a book for a client while also submitting my own work for publication. Everything feels so familiar and brand new all at the same time.
I don't know where this blog will lead, and I won't promise you regular posts. I've spent too much of my life in performative spaces, and now I crave the organic flow of things. I named this blog "the.life.of.lin" because that's exactly what it is—my life. I make the rules here, embracing a newfound freedom of expression. I do promise to always be honest, and if I don't feel like sharing, I won't. Some thoughts will be unhinged, while others will be reflective. I simply want to be myself, and I'm excited to take you on this new journey with me. I have so much to share, including all the amazing creative projects I’ve slowly started working on again.
I hope you'll stay for the ride. Subscribe and let's stay connected!
I love this... I'm glad you are writing again